If The Buddha Divorced

Humor is a key part of the teachings on Enlightenment. Sogyal Rinpoche describes it as “creating a space where there was none.” It opens up awareness. When it comes to relationships, Country Music can be hilariously helpful in this regard.

Top Country Songs

1. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

2. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

4. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

5. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even

6. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

7. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

8. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

9. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

10. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight

11. Please Bypass This Heart

12. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

13. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

14. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

15. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer

16. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With Some

Using the meditation steps from the First Aid Kit, we can work to heal anger.

Imagine in another lifetime you are a native warrior keeping watch as you paddle your canoe along the shore of your village. It’s getting dark as the sun sets, but then you suddenly hear something whizzing towards you. An arrow pierces your shoulder – the pain flashes up and down your body.

In the dark you can barely make out the silhouette of a canoe advancing toward you. You stand up bleeding, raise your bow and scream “Damn your soul!”

The canoe bumps right into yours with a dull thud. Empty. There’s nobody in it. Stunned, you turn to your wound and begin to tend to it. You head back to the village, letting go of the anger in your mind, your anger at an empty canoe.

We are angry at our own ideas about things, not at what they really are. When we are caught in anger, we find ourselves talking about our story, our version of the situation, over and over again. We may not realize that we are just fanning the flames, using anger to create more anger.

We can train the mind to work with anger in the most basic way. We can drop the story line, the words we repeat to ourselves, and connect with the bodily sensations which are under the words. There is a raw energy that arises in the body when we’re angry, beyond words. Connect with it. Breathe and stay present with it. Tend to the wound, so it can heal.

Thich Nhat Hanh describes anger as a crying baby that needs our attention. We must neither suppress its crying nor aggravate it. We attend to its needs. We are curious “Are you hungry? Tired or wet?” “Okay, there now. I am here. I will take care of you.”

Likewise, if you are pierced by an arrow, you don’t stand there shaking your fist. You gently remove it and take care of the wound. The alternative is to keep the chain reaction of violence going, and spend the rest of your life focusing on the offending party.

Revenge may feel good at first, until the cycle of emptiness and misery sets in. When we turn towards our pain – the wound or the crying baby – something new can happen. “If you feel it, you can heal it,” wrote Bruce Fisher.

Opening to your pain means opening towards yourself.

You may be saying:

“This is not happening to me!”
“I can’t believe she wants a divorce.”
“I finally had to leave. It was awful!”

Newly separated, moved to my friend’s basement, I needed concrete help, not platitudes. I found I was dealing with death, relationship death, the ending of a life. I discovered that concrete help– for the long haul but also First Aid, for here and now. Let’s begin with the First Aid Kit Instructions:

Respire. Use mindful breathing to relax and calm your mind. Start by sitting comfortably on a chair or cushion with your spine straight (off the chair back). Take a nice, big breath and slowly exhale. Now all that’s left to do is to notice your simple in-breath and out-breath, just as it is. When thoughts begin to crop up, that’s natural. Just silently label them “thinking”, and bring your attention back to your breath. Continue this process for 5 or 10 minutes, taking a break and then repeating again. This basic meditation powered the Buddha’s teaching for 2,400 years.

Replenish. Relationship stress can take the mind out of the body. Get serious about drinking 64 ounces of water daily– it’s the quickest way to combat anxiety and depression. Stop reading this now, fill a glass with cold water and drink all of it before setting the glass down. Eat 5 nutritious meals per day. Take a good multi-vitamin. Walk or run mindfully 30 minutes per day. By “mindfully” we mean knowingly, in the present, and with awareness.

Round-up the support of friends. Isolation is the major risk behavior after a break-up. Remember, were the roles reversed, you would be there for a friend. Make a list of friends, family and helping professionals, dividing them up into the categories, 1) To Listen to Me, 2) To Spend Time With, and To Avoid– friends that drain you. If you’re helping others too much, it’s just another form of isolating.

Realize that the strong emotions you may be feeling—anger, grief and fear– are temporary, and are based in the past or future. Your work is to get more and more free from them by living more and more in the present. The tools in this kit will help you do that. You can also consciously begin a positive future by marking your calendar with some enjoyable plans for this month and next month.

Relieve your stress and confusion by journaling. Pick up a good quality journal and a fast-writing pen. Your Inner Critic is not invited. Let the words flow. Try timing yourself for 10 minutes, writing without stopping for spelling or cross -outs. This can be a great release, and great learning when you come back to read it later on.

Rinse and Repeat. Make a pact with yourself to repeat one or more of the above daily for 2 weeks.
Good luck and good healing!

-Norm Gibson, LCSW.